Spiritual Relationships Question - What Should I do Next?

I've been married for 11 years and last year my husband had get-away sex with a mutual friend - X. They were at a retreat and he found the opportunity to sleep with her. He confessed that he had made the advance to her and she was more than responsive. He regrets the act and vows it just happened and he will not stray again. X and her husband socialize with some of our friends. Even before this, I have told my husband that I did not like the way he was relating to X. Though I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, there was a high level of discomfort. My husband blamed me for being jealous b'cos X was a beautiful woman. I was convinced that it was just my insecurity, until this! My husband says that he is not emotional about it and will stay away from her. My husband has informed her about my knowledge and that he wants nothing to do with her, especially with what had happened between them at the retreat. Even after 10 months, I can’t get over it. I can’t imagine that my husband had all along carried desires for her and used the retreat to fulfill it. When I asked him, he says that most men do carry such desires and it is natural. I can’t resolve this feeling that I’m being brainwashed again. Is it possible for him to have desired her for almost 6 years and act on it and now he claims that he does not have any feelings or desire for her? What should I do next?

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Spiritual Relationships Question - What Should I do Next?

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The challenge of forgiveness
by: Mashubi

Dearest one, I am so sorry for the betrayal of trust that you have experienced. I understand the deep pain you are going through, the confusion, and the difficulty you are having in moving forward. What I feel in reading what you've shared, is that part of the pain and difficulty is in the communication between you and your husband. You cannot believe how he could do this, and how after their sexual encounter he could say he has no feelings for her. He says this is a common and natural experience for men, which would add to your confusion as that statement trivializes what happened, and does not share what he is feeling.

What is needed is some way for you and your husband to communicate at a deeper level to heal this situation. If you do not feel that you are able to communicate well together, you may need help from a counselor, clergy person or support group to sort through the many intense feelings that are involved.

It is not enough to simply try to go on as though nothing happened. Something did happen, which has forever changed your relationship with each other and with your mutual friend. This must be faced truthfully in order for your relationship to heal and move forward. I send you my prayers for truth, communication, healing, forgiveness and reconciliation in your marriage.

with much love,
Mashubi

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Submitted by: Mashubi

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Dearest one, I am so sorry for the betrayal of trust that you have experienced. I understand the deep pain you are going through, the confusion, and the difficulty you are having in moving forward. What I feel in reading what you've shared, is that part of the pain and difficulty is in the communication between you and your husband. You cannot believe how he could do this, and how after their sexual encounter he could say he has no feelings for her. He says this is a common and natural experience for men, which would add to your confusion as that statement trivializes what happened, and does not share what he is feeling. What is needed is some way for you and your husband to communicate at a deeper level to heal this situation. If you do not feel that you are able to communicate well together, you may need help from a counselor, clergy person or support group to sort through the many intense feelings that are involved. It is not enough to simply try to go on as though nothing happened. Something did happen, which has forever changed your relationship with each other and with your mutual friend. This must be faced truthfully in order for your relationship to heal and move forward. I send you my prayers for truth, communication, healing, forgiveness and reconciliation in your marriage. with much love, Mashubi

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