How can I get beyond blaming?
by Maryam S
I've suffered greatly in an empty marriage, from the first day. I have done all of the recommended 'techniques' which are usually suggested, until I am blue in the face. Like checking to see if my expectations are unrealistic, making sure I communicate what my needs are clearly, and making polite requests, not selfish demands. I have clearly confronted my spouse when his behavior and attitude are unacceptable, etc. To no avail. My spouse makes
no effort whatsoever to improve; he just makes one excuse after
another, and continues with his same behavior, as before.
Eventually, I just decided to let go of the parts of the
so-called 'marriage' which are beyond my ability to control.
I won't assume the responsibility for the failings of someone
who in fact does not care about how his behavior hurts and alienates me, and damages (destroys) the relationship time and again. My question is: How do I move beyond the blame, and the bitterness, for what was lost--or rather, what never existed?
I know that we are not supposed to blame people for our difficulties, but what if they truly ARE to blame? If it is their attitude and their behavior and their failures which have destroyed a marriage, singlehandedly---then how does one avoid viewing the situation as it actually is, and calling a spade a spade?
Maybe some persons would say that leaving this partner in the dust long ago was my best option, and maybe they are right.
But I chose to stay, and to keep doing my best, within the
realm of what I am able. To me, when I took my vows, I took
those vows under God, and I intend to keep them, for better
or for worse. I cannot honestly determine which it is! But
that doesn't change my underlyling "value" or "policy" that
marriage is a permanent endeavor, and that it should not
be dumped when the going gets rough, or empty, or heartbreaking.
Yet I still feel rage and grief, and despair and sadness, and bitterness, and all kinds of other toxic feelings. I know that I should work on forgiveness and acceptance, and empathy. But I
don't know HOW to get beyond the waves of residual hurt and unhealed emotional injuries, plus all of the bad memories, which keep coming up and up and up.
I WANT to heal, and to move into forgiveness, but I am imprisoned by my own emotional swamp of trauma and pain, from sixteen years of constant personal struggle. How do I get beyond the blame, and into peace, and serenity?